a person sitting happily in lotus position


Only one letter off here (J & P) – one would think this makes for a great match, right?  It can be, and this is a recommended match, but with some caveats…

Problems in this pairing come from a lack of emotional connectedness. 

INT people have grand theories of what life is - or should be about.   They’re masters of defining thoughts and tracking their own thought processes when working on a problem.  It’s their fun and one of their favorite pastimes.  Unfortunately, most of the fun requires speed of thought, and that means not bogging down the process of thinking with having to discuss it with someone.  INT’s need alone time and fortunately for this pairing, each understands and readily gives the other time to venture into their inner worlds.

No, they’re not exactly hermits, but they are private people and hold their emotions closely to the vest.  Each needs to make constant efforts to connect emotionally as both can easily get into a comfortable rut of not sharing what’s going on in their heads.  It can easily turn into a cold and lifeless relationship after time.

There’s also the matter of the J and P differences.  J’s want plans settled, with surroundings neat and organized.  J’s plan their work and work their plan.  P’s don’t mind a messy house though, and want options open (a settled plan can be irritating – working a plan can be suffocating.)

love birds and hearts floating above them

Positives of an INTP-INTJ Relationship:

Intellectual Bond: Both types share a strong inclination towards intellectual pursuits and value logical, objective discussions. They can engage in deep, thought-provoking conversations that can enrich their relationship.

Respect for Independence: Both INTPs and INTJs value their independence and are respectful of each other's personal space and autonomy, which can make for a balanced relationship dynamic.

Shared Intuition: With both having a preference for intuition, they appreciate abstract thinking, concepts, and theories, often enjoying exploration of new ideas together.

stormy clouds

Challenges of an INTP-INTJ Relationship:

Differing Structure Levels: INTJs typically like structure and planning, while INTPs often prefer spontaneity and flexibility. This difference can lead to disagreements in terms of lifestyle and decision-making.

Communication Styles: INTJs are often straightforward and assertive in their communication, which can come off as harsh to the more sensitive INTP. Conversely, the INTP's tendency to keep their feelings to themselves might frustrate the straightforward INTJ.

Emotional Expression: Both types can struggle with expressing emotions and understanding their partner's emotional needs, which might lead to misunderstandings or feelings of emotional distance.

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To make a relationship between an INTP and an INTJ work, both parties will need to communicate openly, understand each other's needs and preferences, and be willing to compromise when necessary. Remember, all individuals and relationships are unique, and personality type is just one factor among many that influence a relationship.


photo of Betty Baker

Betty Baker M.A. Psych, M.Ed

About the Author

Betty Baker is an awarded marriage and family therapist and contributor to the internationally renowned PeaceBuilders® Program - a science-based, research-validated violence prevention curriculum and professional development program for children, grades pre-K to 12.